I went to work. I wandered home. My life was simplified.
For I was there and all alone with no one at my side.
The roundabout of love for me was not an easy ride.
No pity please! I can survive. I’m made of stronger stuff.
That playground’s made me realise that I can be so tough.
I have my health and sense of self, for now that is enough.
I see you look. I see the eyes. You want to ask me why.
Am I aloof, unpopular, or simply high and dry?
That sombre and unsmiling man who watches you pass by.
You turn around. I feel your gaze. You pierce me deep inside.
And all the pain and hurt that over years I’ve tried to hide,
You comprehend and validate then gently put aside.
You take my hand. You swing my heart. You turn my insides out.
You want to change my life and that you can, I have no doubt.
I go to work but simple has become more roundabout.
Creator of the lonely: kept within
A drug to kill and yet to cause the pain
In isolation: ward away the sin
The hold of loss as if it were again
To push away and not to move toward
Rejection an injection to the vain
The nothing is caressed forever flawed
Such hurt inflicted just to void the pain
Regret begets a cycle to despair
A spinning wheel so watch the finger bleed
The soul is in coma from which where
To fail is looking better than succeed
Will not be waken with the purest kiss
Decision made and so prefer to miss
In being touched was left a mark unseen
And from the living world to be removed
The turmoil deep the surface so serene
And left to only wonder what was proved
In isolation ward off each advance
A wall against the world it shall be built
No touch or feel and preferably no glance
In purdah with another’s shameful guilt
Some people bruise or break their skin and bone
But pain can manifest in darker form
Ever more to feel complete alone
A witness to the darkness of the storm
A stone is found where once there was a life
Survival twists until it blunts the knife
The bells were ringing sound of my alarm
But caught by breeze my caution whisked away
And like bracelet stripped of subtle charm
The gold was tarnished by the end of day
The clock it struck me right between the eyes
A thought was lost in time I’ll come to see
And in my sight it plainly was disguise
I’m anyone as long as I’m not me
Esteem I limbo under at the bar
Each glass more rosy hued as down I fall
From there to here is not so very far
My back desires the prison of the wall
They’re calling time last order is my rite
Beloved I will sink into the night
You enter in where eagles fear
My agent truth or dare
A shaken stirred and bottles spun
And we are god knows where
I’m taking down the lines behind
For you are at the front
And what is fair in loving wars
When none is innocent
So leave me in the lurching sea
Deserted by your shore
For better is the worst of times
When wisdom wants for more
Who’s the captain? Where’s the ship
Crest of wave and then the dip
Nearly drowning half afloat
Out at sea without a boat
Lost in desert shifting sand
Nothing quite as I had planned
My oasis now mirage
Little problem looming large
Soaking wet or arid dry
Life’s a bitch I can’t deny
Struggle just catch my breath
Here I am but so bereft
Alone in pearly grey so Garbo chic
Yet you anticipate my every thought
Insidious how you into me seep
But in your foolish games I won’t be caught
Without a word my star that shines ahead
How black and white has cast you in the shade
Your garish technicolour hues are spread
But man or mouse your plans are not well laid
And you will be the people’s choice no doubt
So populist but not what I prefer
You’re zooming in while I have faded out
So many things you are but not demure
Not jaded my depart from tinsel town
The queen is dead all hail the painted clown